Losing my Dad part 2

 My parents were married 57 years and we children had been trying to do an anniversary party for them since their 50th. One thing or another kept getting in the way. When my dad asked me specifically to please make it happen (I suspect he wanted it for my mom), covid got in the way. We rented a place and had the plan and kept having to postpone. It looked like it would finally happen. My sister flew in from CA, I booked a surprise Elvis Presley impersonator (a woman in her 70's, PERFECT) and 2 days before the party, the morning of Saint Patrick's Day, I awoke to a text from my brother that our brother James- pictured in the middle, took his life.

What a shock and tragedy. His life was so difficult. I don't think I feel comfortable sharing his story, it isn't mine to tell. but I can say he had a small window of goodness, and many years of extremely hard times. 

My dad was one of the only family members James would stay in touch with in his adult life. 

The family was divided in planning burial versus cremation. It was hard times. Nothing that ruined relationships, but different and strong thoughts and feelings and so many emotions. Of course.

My dad unenthusiastically said we could carry on with the anniversary party as he knew a lot of time and money had been put into it, but he didn't want us to behave as though we hadn't suffered such a loss. Maybe we should have, I don't know. But we didn't. It was postponed again, but to never happen.

It was a week before Jame's funeral was held. It was unreal. Funerals usually are but this was like no other. There were some real characters in his life, and characters that played a part in his death. I felt like I walked onto a movie being filmed. These are surely just actors, it felt. The people and the feeling didn't seem real.

During the viewing, my parents were sitting up front and I remember leaning my head on my dad's shoulder and fighting tears and asking him if he was okay. He said of course he was, why wouldn't he be?

He definitely viewed death as very temporary and very okay. 

A few of the siblings spoke at James funeral. I gave the eulogy. I remember my dad speaking and his face was so pale. He had no color and looked weak. The next day Jame's was buried. Not many attended the burial, family included. My dad and my Uncle Frankie made joke at the cemetery as they both already had their plots (my dad having just picked his when getting Jame's) and they discussed how they could visit each other because they would be buried so close to each other.

My dad had to take off suddenly to find a bathroom. Stomach issues and heart issues go together. But none of us fully saw the connection yet.

Then my dad asked if I wanted to join them for lunch at The Piggly Wiggly. I thought he was joking but it turns out he wasn't. Sure enough there was a restaurant in The Piggly Wiggly, and the servers all knew my Uncle Frankie by name. The food was nastier than you are imagining. 

As we were all headed out and going our separate ways, my dad pulled up in the car by Frankie who was about to get in his car. (I rode with my parents. Gary and Wes were in a different car bc they had a small cough and I was worried about my dad. of course my dad thought it was stupid and we should all be riding together) They joked, "Burley, it pains me to say, oh it PAINS ME, but I love you" and my dad came back with "I wish you didn't tell me that. But I love you too."

But then...

My Uncle Frankie said, "I am telling you something that is very serious right now. You are not okay. You need to get to the doctor right away. I am serious. You are not okay." It was the most stern and serious I ever saw my uncle.

As we went down the road I asked dad if he was going to listen to his older brother. He said no. Of course not.